Notes On The Torchwood Archives
by SqutternutBosh
Summary: Based on Jack's notes from the Torchwood Archives book. Dialogue only. UPDATED- Part one sees Andy confront Gwen about happenings in Cardiff, part 2 sees Ianto and Gwen discuss Jack's innuendo-laden attempt at poetry... COMPLETE.
1. Blowtorch

A/N: The basic premise of this collection is one dialogue-only piece based on Jack's notes on the events of each episode from 'The Torchwood Archives' book. You won't need to have read the book to understand, as I'll state the line the piece is based on at the top of each- though that does mean there are teensy, relatively unimportant spoilers for the book. Also means a mix of genres, but seems to be mainly humour. And to make things easier, two characters to each part. Okay, sorry if that explanation was a bit long and boring!

**Disclaimer: Just borrowing. Do not own. **

…*…

'_Hinges on pterodactyl cage failed again, will need to be welded properly this time- i.e. not by Ianto and Owen.'- Captain Jack Harkness, The Torchwood Archives._

.

'Ianto?'

'Owen.'

'Do you know how to work a blowtorch?'

'Oh.'

'What?'

'I was kind of hoping that you knew.'

'So that's a no then?'

'Nope.'

'Wait- nope "that's a no", or nope "I don't know how to work a blowtorch"?'

'Second one.'

'Brilliant… I'm a qualified doctor, what makes you think I'd know how to use the blowtorch?'

'Dunno. But Jack asked you to help me fix this, so I thought you might know something.'

'Only person I've seen with a blowtorch round here is Suzie.'

'Maybe we should ask for her help.'

'No way, mate.'

'Why not?'

'Because… I-uh… Does it matter?'

'Jealous that Suzie can work a tool better than you?'

'…'

'…'

'Is that supposed to be a euphemism?'

'…'

'Don't raise your eyebrows at me, coffee boy.'

'…'

'And don't sigh like I'm some sort of dumb kid either!'

'Shall we just get on with this?'

'But we still don't know what we're doing.'

'Trial and error.'

'Right, so…'

'Should probably put these safety masks on first.'

'Cos we wouldn't want to burn our faces off.'

'No.'

'Done. Now…?'

'I'm gonna try pressing this, see what happens.'

'Rather you than me mate.'

'…'

'HOLY SH- IANTO!'

'Sorry, couldn't hear you over the noise of the flame.'

'You almost fucking ignited me!'

'Oh… Did I?'

'Yes… And, bloody hell, I think you spooked the leather bird too.'

'Myfanwy.'

'Bless you.'

'No, _Myfanwy_. That's what I call her- the pterodactyl, I mean.'

'What makes you think it's a girl?'

'Well, she really likes chocolate.'

'… That makes sense.'

'I thought so. Now, hold the gate up so I can try and weld the hinges back on.'

'This is bull. I'm a medical professional, why am I helping the bloody butler fix the door of a pterodactyl's cage?'

'I could always ask Suzie. She might actually be helpful.'

'Nah, She's busy with that Glove thing we dredged up anyway. She's a bit obsessed actually. As a doctor I find that worrying… and just a bit creepy.'

'Yep.'

'And besides, we're men. Well, I am. We can fix this. Not like I was complaining-,'

'Yes you were.'

'Can it coffee boy.'

'…'

'This is insane.'

'Welcome to Torchwood.'


	2. Bugged

A/N: Thanks to those who reviewed and alerted this story! There's been a great response so far, so I'm going to try and keep it up. Written up to Small Worlds already. So here's chapter two to coincide with 'Day One'.

…*…

'_Monitoring of Gwen Cooper's communication continues- no breaches yet, partner Rhys Williams still unaware of TW or Gwen's new role.'- Captain Jack Harkness, The Torchwood Archives._

.

'Rhys?'

'Alright, love, thought I was gonna go through to voicemail. This not a bad time is it?'

'No, I- well, I'm not doing much right now actually.'

'So know what time you'll be home?'

'Sixish, if nothing comes up.'

'It's Cardiff, Gwen. What possible major emergency could come up in the next five hours?'

'You'd be surprised.'

'Oh aye? Woman of mystery now, are we? Bloody hell, you get a job with special ops and it's like flamin' MI-5 with you.'

'…'

'…'

'…'

'Gwen?'

'Yeah?'

'You're not working for MI-5 are you?'

'…I'm afraid if I told you that I'd have to kill you.'

'…You're pulling my leg… Right?'

'Of course I'm pulling your bloody leg you big numpty. Why would MI-5 need a base in Cardiff? I'm just special ops with the Cardiff Police. Honestly Rhys.'

'Right, sure. Almost had me going for a second there. Not that I believed you. _M-I-5…_ Cos, no offence, Gwen, but can you imagine _you_ working for MI-5? It'd be all-,'

'I'm going to pretend that that didn't hurt my feelings, Rhys.'

'Aw, I'm sorry love. Only havin' a laugh… I am proud of you though, you know that? Special ops promotion- it's a big thing for you. So it is for me.'

'I know. Thanks Rhys.'

'Anytime… You still not gonna tell me why you ran from the restaurant after the big flame ball thing earlier? Bet special ops was involved in that.'

'Can't. Sorry.'

'Yeah… Guess I better get used to it.'

'I am sorry Rhys.'

'Mmm…'

'Listen, I've got to go, looks like something just came up.'

'Alright then. You go do your thing, Gwen. And I'll be making dinner for seven. Leftover turkey casserole sound good?'

'Definitely.'

'Okay. Love you.'

'Love you.'


	3. Sploe

A/N: I'm really having fun with this little project! Thanks to those who've reviewed, I like hearing people's thoughts.

…*…

'_According to Ianto, Splott is pronounced "Sploe". I think Ianto might have been lying… Energy surges in the lower areas of the Hub still unexplained… Ianto volunteered to investigate.'- Captain Jack Harkness, The Torchwood Archives._

.

'I'll look into the generator problems if you want, sir.'

'You know how to deal with that?'

'I have some idea. Better have me take a look than retcon some poor mechanic. Hub maintenance is in my job description anyway.'

'Right. I could always do it myself if you-'

'Wouldn't want to trouble you, sir. You probably have more important things to be doing.'

'Huh, not really, Ianto. I'm being a good leader today, all my worker bees are busy.'

'I'm not sure that they'd appreciate being referred to as bees, sir. Especially not Owen.'

'What then- monkeys? Worker monkeys?'

'…'

'I'll take that as a no then.'

'I think that it's for the best, sir.'

'…Couldn't make us another coffee could you, Ianto? I've got nothing else to do but sit and look good.'

'Of course sir.'

'Of course you think that I look good or-'

'Of course I'll make you a cup of your industrial strength coffee.'

'You wound me Ianto.'

'And then I'll go down and check on the generator.'

'Alright. Better do it before fluctuations interrupt one of Tosh's programs again. She wasn't better pleased last time.'

'Verging on the edge of a nervous breakdown is never a sign of being pleased, no, sir.'

'…'

'I'll get on that coffee then.'

'Oh, before you go, one more question.'

'Sir?'

'Something you said earlier- that estate agents pronounce Splott as "Sploe". Were you kidding arounf?'

'Not at all. Estate agents are trying to make the area sound nicer to those who don't know better.'

'But it's got two "t's" on the end- why would that ever be pronounced _Sploe? _This is Wales, not France.'

'Marketing, like I said, sir. Would you like you like to live somewhere with name like Splott?'

'It's got character.'

'… I suppose… Is that all, sir? I should really be getting on with this generator problem.'

'No. Coffee and the generator is all, thank you, Ianto.'

'No problem, sir.'


	4. Amnesia Pizza

A/N: And today's instalment is set just before the events of Cyberwoman. Thanks for the reviews and hope you enjoy!

…*…

'_Torchwood location revealed to Jubilee Pizza staff. Again.'- Captain Jack Harkness, The Torchwood Archives._

.

'What've I told you about ordering pizzas under the name "Torchwood", Owen?'

'Uh, don't?'

'So why've you done it again?'

'Does the excuse "I'm a twat" mean anything if I use it twice?'

'Ain't gonna wash with me, Owen.'

'Well, okay, it's probably because I'm a prat then. What's the big deal anyway? We drive round in the most unsubtle SUV in the world, "Torchwood" lasered onto every spare surface for crying out loud!'

'Yeah well that wasn't a brilliant idea either.'

'Yours though, Jack?'

'Yep.'

'Hypocrite… Fine, whatever, I won't do it again. I don't understand your issue with the name thing anyway, Jack. We order, pizza gets delivered to Ianto at the tourist desk. So, the pizza place either thinks Ianto has a weird surname, or that the tourist office is trying to make itself sound cool.'

'It matters when the pizza delivery guy wanders into the Hub!'

'I- wait, _what? _When, how?'

'Last night! You ordered a meat feast before we went out to investigate the Rift activity in Roath and you forgot all about it; failed to mention it. So, I dropped you at your car on my way back here to find a thoroughly confused pizza boy sat waiting at my desk. I had to retcon the kid, Owen!'

'Shouldn't Ianto have got it?'

'He was trying to sort out the generator… The kid came down the stairs behind the tourist desk!'

'Serves him right then.'

'Owen…'

'You're just mad cos he sat your desk.'

'_Owen…'_

'I said I was sorry Jack.'

'No you didn't!'

'Oh, didn't I…? In that case, Jack, I'm sorry I'm such a prat…. Happy now?'

'Not exactly. Just don't do it again. In fact, new rule, I've just made up- because I'm boss and I have that power- _all _orders of _any_ kind are now to be put through by Ianto so he'll know when to receive them. You are not to order anything to this Hub again, _ever_…Understood?'

'Jeez, aren't you overreacting a bit Jack?'

'I said, _do you understand?'_

'Actually you didn't…'

'I'm gonna start counting to ten…'

'Fine, yes, Jack, I'll never phone for a pizza again lest you put the fear of your almighty self in me… And that is no queue for innuendo of any kind… And neither is the word innuendo.'

'Excuse me, but I'm the boss here.'

'Yes you are, boss.'

'That's it, I've had enough of Owen Harper-,'

'_Doctor _Owen Harper.'

'Of _"Doctor"_ Owen Harper for now-,'

'Don't air quote my title, "Captain".'

'Just go back to your work, Owen.'

'… This is my desk Jack.'

'…'

'…'

'Just get out of my sight!'


	5. Cold Shoulder

A/N: The responses to this collection have been great to read, so thanks to those who have left reviews! Okay, so this chapter is attached to the episode 'Small Worlds'. Admittedly, I'm one of those people who count this episode as the worst Torchwood offering, which is a sad thing really. This section, unfortunately, lacked inspiration from Jack's notes, but I did the best I could.

…*…

'_After what happened with Jasmine, nobody is talking to me (except Ianto).'- Captain Jack Harkness, The Torchwood Archives._

.

'How long are we going to give Jack the cold shoulder for, Gwen?'

'As long as it takes, Tosh.'

'Don't you think it's a bit-,'

'Extreme?'

'Something like that. I mean, I've been thinking about it and there's not much that he could have done; that anyone of us could have done.'

'…'

'Gwen?'

'I know, Tosh, alright? I just… Jasmine's mother, poor woman… Lost her partner on the same day as her only child went missing. Surely there's more that we could have done, even if it was just for her.'

'We tried our best, Gwen. In the end… Jack had a horrible decision to make, but he did the right thing. One little girl in return for the rest of the world.'

'She was happy to go, I saw it. She really _wanted_ to go.'

'It's a funny sort of sacrifice.'

'Can we even call it that?'

'… So we're going to stop ignoring Jack then?'

'I don't know. You do what you think best, Tosh. I'm still mad at him.'

'But I thought-,'

'I'm still mad at him.'

'Okay, but I- I'm breaking my silence. It doesn't seem fair to burden Jack with having to make the bad decisions and having us hate him for them… And he lost someone too, that elderly lady. I don't know who she was to him, but I've never seen him so upset.'

'Her name was Estelle… You're right. Maybe we are being a bit harsh on him… Not much other choice, I probably would've done the same thing if I was in his position…'

'You're not though.'

'And I'm glad of that, definitely… Do you think that it was right for him to Retcon Jasmine's mother?'

'…'

'…Tosh?'

'It might be for the best.'

'I still- That poor woman lost the man she loved and her daughter on the same day! At least we have a body for Roy, but Jasmine… Her mother is going to live in hope that she will come home some day. But she never will because she _chose_ to spend eternity with a bunch or murderous creatures that no sane person believes to exist!'

'…'

'_That's_ why I'm angry with Jack. Jasmine made her own choice and we let her, but her mother…'

'Was it right for her to remember what really happened? No one would understand that, Gwen.'

'I don't know… We have this power to take the bad memories away; does it mean that we should use it? Without the person's say? Maybe even against their will?'

'We can't afford for them to remember.'

'I know. People can't know about us, or aliens, or what we do to protect them. And sometimes, Tosh, I bloody hate it.'

'Sometimes, me too.'


	6. Conscious

A/N: Once again, I'm going to sound like a broken record as I thank people for their reviews! Up today- Countrycide.

…*…

'_Brought Ianto Jones along to get him out of the Hub… May not have been the best decision I made this year.'- Captain Jack Harkness, The Torchwood Archives._

.

'Ianto… Ianto… _Ianto!'_

'S-sir?'

'You awake there?'

'No, this is just my sentient voicemail talking to you. It activates when I fall asleep.'

'You think that's funny now, but I bet there's something just like that in the archives.'

'And I wouldn't take that bet, sir, because I know that there definitely is something like I just described in section C. You could say I was inspired.'

'Clearly. How're you feeling?'

'Sore ribs, heads pounding, but the painkillers Owen gave me seem to be working.'

'That's something, at least.'

'Very tired though… Everyone else is asleep in the back.'

'Sorry, Ianto, no rest for the wicked- that includes me, by the way. Owen told me specifically not to let you fall asleep. You've got a nasty head injury, so no sleep for you until Owen has properly checked you over at the Hub.'

'Git. First thing he did after telling you that was fall asleep. And I think he's drooling all over Tosh's shoulder.'

'Can you twist round and shove him off?'

'No. Cracked ribs. I've been ordered off any strenuous activity.'

'Ah yeah… Paramedics strap them up?'

'Under Owen's supervision… Look, I can see him in the rear view mirror, he's dribbling all over Gwen now.'

'…'

'…'

'…'

'…'

'Ianto.'

'Nguh.'

'No, you need to stay awake, Ianto. Come on, keep talking to me, keep rolling those pretty Welsh "r's".'

'I haven't slept in… I don't know how long, Jack. Unless being unconscious counts as sleeping.'

'Hey, you just called me Jack. You must be tired.'

'…'

'Ianto?'

'I'm awake, sir. Just thinking, that's all.'

'You have to be careful with that, thinking can be dangerous.'

'Oh, I could stay awake for your witty repartee alone, sir.'

'You know, you're quite mean when you're tired.'

'I hate camping.'

'What? You too? Trust humans to invent something completely unique and then all end up hating it… There's actually something quite British about that.'

'Last time I went camping was when I was nine. My dad undercooked the sausages on the camp stove and me and my sister spent the weekend fighting over the sick bucket… And now this time, _I _almost get eaten.'

'You know what they say, third time's a charm.'

'…'

'I'm sorry, Ianto. Really, I am. This whole mess… It's my fault. Pff, so much for a false lead. I- I just can't believe what those people were doing…'

'I'll never even begin to understand.'

'No… Such a mess! Gwen got shot, Tosh was almost _strangled _to death and you…'

'I'll live, Jack.'

'Just.'

'Yeah… For a second there though, I thought I was going to die. That this was it; over… It was horrible. How do you all cope with it? I've never felt so sick and confused and just… Never.'

'I'm _so _sorry, Ianto. I didn't mean-,'

'I'll get over it, Jack. We all will… We've seen some strange things. I wouldn't exactly say any of us were used to it, I know I'm not…'

'Damn… I wanted to bring you along, integrate you into the team for fieldwork. I know you're capable of more than amazing coffee and filing.'

'Do I get to go out into the field again?'

'Do you want to? After today?'

'It's my job, sir, even if I messed up.'

'You didn't, Ianto, we'd never have found them if it weren't for you… Yep, you'll be back out in the field, definitely, think we could all do with some more expansive training sessions though… We weren't prepared today. And we need to be.'

'We've got time, sir.'

'Some… Bringing you out today may not have been one of my best ideas.'

'Not one of the best, no, sir.'

'…'

'…'

'…'

'…'

'Ianto!'

'…'

'_Ianto!'_

'Awake and alert, sir.'

'Good, that's how I like you.'


	7. Karaoke

A/N: Little bit experimental today- there are three people in the mix. Hopefully it still makes sense. If anybody with a copy of 'The Torchwood Archives' has any ideas for quotes for 'Random Shoes' or 'Out of Time' feel free to let me know, I'm struggling to find anything inspiring! Thanks for the reviews.

…*…

'_Considering organising some sort of regular social outing for everyone… Will have to tread carefully, these things can end in karaoke.'- Captain Jack Harkness, The Torchwood Archives._

.

'Owen, Gwen, what do you think about having a team outing? At a pub or club or something. I think we could all do with the morale boost, especially Tosh and Ianto.'

'Yeah, that sounds good, Jack.'

'Do we have to?'

'Well those were two completely different responses. Do ya always have to be so negative, Owen?'

'Yes.'

'There's the answer then.'

'Don't you remember what happened the last time you called one of these Torchwood pub nights, Jack? Cos I do.'

'Aw come on, it wasn't that bad.'

'Yes it was.'

'Why? What happened last time- actually, do I even want to know?'

'That depends, Gwen.'

'On what, Owen?'

'It depends on your opinion of a mild form of torture most commonly known as karaoke.'

'My rendition of "I Will Survive" was in no way torture, Owen. And trust me, I know torture.'

'No, it wasn't. In fact, it was bloody good… And bloody frightening.'

'Owen, what _are _you on about?'

'Poor Gwen, so naïve…'

'Jack, do you know what he's whining about?'

'Not really. My Diana Ross cover was fantastic.'

'But what happened after you'd had your go, Jack?'

'Some overweight guy with surprisingly small ears butchered an Elton John classic if I remember rightly…'

'What? Oh yeah, fucking awful… No, after the rest of us had had a few. Me, Suzie and Tosh anyway. You stuck to boring water like you always do; it's like you were waiting for us to do something stupid. Ianto, lucky git, was left on Hub duty, managed to save himself…'

'If it's any consolation, I'll be making him come this time. So now nobody's safe.'

'You're going off topic, Jack. What happened Owen? Not another weevil in the bar?'

'No.'

'What then- a hoix?'

'I wish.'

'Owen.'

'If only there had been a Rift alert… I really don't want to say, Gwen.'

'Funny, because you're the one who brought it up.'

'Did I?'

'Yes. So, go on, finish the story.'

'Oh, would you look at the time! Sorry, but I have to… be over there, now.'

'Jack, can you _order_ him to finish the story?'

'I could, but he wouldn't listen.'

'Got that right, Harkness.'

'But you know what, Gwen? It doesn't matter what Owen does or doesn't say, because I've just remembered what happened and would love nothing more than to tell you.'

'Go on then.'

'Jack…'

Lighten up, Owen.'

'Fine, if you're going to do this, I'm gonna be over there, safe from mockerys way.'

'Off you go then. You were saying, Jack?'

'Yeah, so, a little after the guy who did the terrible Elton, Owen was feeling pretty confident. Drink can do that to a guy. So, I bet him that he'd never actually go up and sing and Suzie, who was also drunk, she- it was childish, but- she dared him.'

'Oh no…'

'And you know our resident medic. Hates to back down in the face of a challenge.'

'Yeah…'

'So he gets up on stage, grabs the mic and bursts into- What's it called again, Owen?'

'…'

'Sorry, can't hear you from over there. Say it louder!'

'I said, "I Feel Like A Woman"!'

'And there you have it. An admittance at last.'


	8. Stopwatch

A/N: Well I've been trying to get a balance of characters, but Ianto and Owen keep finding their way in. Ah well, makes for good banter. Thanks for reviews, today is the turn of 'They Keep Killing Suzie', inspired not only by Jack's notes, but a bit by Ianto's research into cults as well. Enjoy!

…*…

'_Need to requisition a new stopwatch. Old one damaged while moving a desk.'- Captain Jack Harkness, The Torchwood Archives._

.

'Owen?'

'I'm kinda busy right now, Teaboy.'

'You've been staring at that same spot on the wall for at least fifteen minutes. If I remember rightly, that same spot has been there at least since I have. Safe to say, it's not going anywhere. You can continue staring at in a minute.'

'Don't you have coffee to make or a bloody stopwatch to play with?'

'…'

'What're you smirking at?'

'What?- Nothing. Broke my stopwatch anyway.'

'How did you manage that?'

'I, uh, cracked it when I was moving a desk. Fell out of my pocket and smashed on the floor.'

'… None of the desks have moved.'

'Oh, I moved them back after, it wasn't, uh, wasn't working out right. That's when I broke my stopwatch.'

'You poor dear, my achin' heart bleeds for you.'

'Sympathies received and noted.'

'And here's me thinking that you'd found a new hobby that didn't involve irritating me.'

'You could say that. It's alright though, Jack's requisitioning me a new one with the Torchwood finances.'

'What?! So he'll buy you a new frigging _stopwatch_, but when I ask if I can use company money to replace a bran new pair of trainers I ruined on a weevil hunt, he point blank refuses?'

'Thems the breaks. Clearly, he likes me more.'

'Well I'm sorry I'm not as pretty as you, Coffee kid.'

'Thank you.'

'I meant that's what Jack thinks, not me!'

'It's the suits.'

'You're a bleedin' pain in my arse sometimes, Ianto, did you know that?'

'I make it my duty to know everything.'

'Twat. I don't even know why I'm still talking to you. Did you actually even need me for something, or are you just winding me up?'

'Yes.'

'…'

'…'

'_Well?_'

'I'm starting a cult.'

'I'm sorry, _what?_'

'I said, I'm starting a cult.'

'Now I know you're mental.'

'I was doing some research for Jack on cults and I realized that I could start my own, y'know, make a bit of money.'

'Why, Jack not paying you enough?'

'… It's a cult for coffee drinkers, because tea, let's face it, is the weakest of all hot beverages.'

'Riiight, and?'

'Gwen and Tosh have already said they'd join; "King Ianto's Coffee Club- for everlasting peace and damn fine coffee."'

'I'm not joining anything where I have to call you king.'

'So that's a no then?'

'Piss off and wait for your new stopwatch or something, you fucking nutter.'

'…'

'…'

'You'll be the first to go.'


	9. Coping

A/N: So I struggled with this one, but I'd like to thank Galadriel1010 for the suggestion which I did end up using (and also for her consistent reviews-thanks!).

…*…

'_I couldn't bring myself to make the family forget Eugene's bravery.'- Captain Jack Harkness, The Torchwood Archives._

.

'Jack?'

'Yes, PC Cooper?'

'I've, uh- I've finished the report on Eugene… The Eugene case. Y'know, my take on things, what I found out. Anything that might be useful in future.'

'Can I see it?'

'…'

'…'

'…'

'Jack…'

'…Yeah?'

'Just wondering-we never spoke to his family about what happened, what they think happened when Eugene-,'

'Ascended?'

'For lack of a better word.'

'Well, what do you want me to do, Gwen?'

'I-I don't know, Jack. Thought you might've wanted to Retcon them. Thought maybe you had already.'

'… Do you want me to?'

'No! I mean-,'

'Good, me neither. Eugene's final action was saving your life. Let his family remember that, let them deal with what they think they saw.'

'That seems fair. Thanks Jack.'

'Hey, I'm not all bad.'

'…'

'Gwen?'

'Oh, sorry, I was just thinking… Imagining what it would be like to see a dead relative suddenly appear out of thin air, only to disappear again…. He looked so solid, Jack, felt like he was there. So _real, _so _alive_.'

'To all intents and purposes, he was.'

'Yeah… I guess.'

'We've started to get quite a lovely collection of Dogon Sixth eyes if you need a little perspective.'

'No way, no thanks, Jack. Think I've had enough of those for a while now.'

'You're probably right.'

'Oh, I am… Wow, I'm tired… Should probably go now, shouldn't I? 'Night, Jack.'

''Night Gwen.'


	10. Paperwork

A/N: Thanks for the reviews and story alerts! Today- 'Out of Time'.

…*…

'_We've all been affected by what happened, but Owen has taken it extremely badly, and refuses to talk about it.'- Captain Jack Harkness, The Torchwood Archives._

.

'Owen?'

'What, Jack?'

'It's almost midnight. There's no sign of any upcoming Rift activity and there've been fewer and fewer weevil sightings recently…What're you still doing here?'

'Working. What does it look like?'

'Well, work. But does it need doing now? You're usually outta here as soon as you can.'

'Look, Jack, do you want me to do this stack of paperwork that you've been hassling me to do for weeks… or not?'

'I _do _want you to do it.'

'Well then.'

'But you never normally do the paperwork when I ask you to.'

'Then why the fuck are you complaining?'

'I'm not, I'm… Look, Owen, you're clearly not feeling yourself and it's freaking me out. That thing with Diane-,'

'Piss off Jack! I don't want to talk about it.'

'You'd rather do the paperwork?'

'Yes.'

'When you'd usually be out drinking and doing whatever else it is you do when you're not here.'

'Shagging some random, meaningless bird.'

'Sure, that.'

'No, Jack, right now I'd far rather be dotting my i's and crossing my t's.'

'And you're not being sarcastic…'

'No.'

'I want you to go home, Owen. I don't care what you do when you get there, as long as you get some rest. In fact, take tomorrow off, then I want you back, better. You're no good to me like this.'

'No, Jack.'

'I'm sorry, who's in charge round here?'

'Leave me alone!'

'Go home.'

'Fuck off Harkness!'

'_Owen…_'

'Fine! Fine, you know what? I'll go. And maybe I won't be back when _you _want. We'll just see how you like it when I don't do _any _bloody work!'

'…'

'…'

'Owen!'

'…'

'I _will_ see you the day after next, that's an order!'


	11. Perfume

A/N: Last chapter took a while to be posted, was having some difficulties with the 'My Stories' page on my account, but think it's back to normal now. Quick bit of info in order to better understand this chapter- Howells is a large department store in Cardiff, also known as House of Fraser. Sells some expensive brands etc. Okay- thanks for the reviews!

…*…

'_Anti-weevil spray losing its effectiveness… Tosh and Ianto looking into alternative solutions. My suggestion that they try the perfume department at Howells was treated as a joke, but I stand by it.'- Captain Jack Harkness, The Torchwood Archives._

.

'Tosh?'

'Yeah, Ianto?'

'Any ideas?'

'Some… But I think it'd be best if we found out whether the weevils are mutating or evolving first. Could be important.'

'Owen's looking into it… _will_ be looking into it, anyway.'

'Yeah, I won't push him he's already… past it.'

'Pretty much.'

'…'

'What's in the current formula for weevil spray?'

'A couple of chemicals- mild irritant, pretty heavy sedative- anything that might help take them down.'

'You reckon we still need a spray?'

'What else did you have in mind?'

'I dunno, a dart or something. Something that can't be confused with an ordinary, everyday aerosol can.'

'Why, did you-,'

'Yep.'

'And?'

'Hurt like hell.'

'I should imagine.'

'Lucky I realised before I sprayed too much, could've knocked me out for a few hours on top of the lovely burning sensation… Did feel a bit light-headed though.'

'You might have a point. If we had a dart we wouldn't need to get so close before sedating them.'

'Mhmm. They're thick-skinned though, would need to be a very strong dart.'

'Force of propulsion would give it a boost, but if the materials not right, it might bend or snap on contact.'

'True. What other possibilities you got?'

'I've been analysing the chemical make-up of our formula, along with the blood of Janet-,'

'Our resident weevil.'

'And one of the others we brought in recently that showed some resistance to the spray.'

'Anything?'

'Hard to tell, I'm no biologist. Maths and tech, that's my thing. Might be best if I leave any of the biological aspects to Owen.'

'Why has Jack got us doing this, Tosh?'

'Well, Owen's not in and… this is just initial research, Ianto. Jack's looking for some kind of quick fix solution.'

'Yeah, well Jack suggested we try to the perfume department in Howells so…'

'Wonder if anything there would actually make a difference.'

'Some of the really expensive stuff is enough to put me off.'

'And they only sell the expensive stuff.'

'Ah, the Harrods of Cardiff…'

'It's a far cry from that, Ianto.'

'Oh, definitely.'

'Maybe Jack has a point about perfume though. Maybe it'll cause some sort of reaction and if we mix it with a strong sedative…'

'Or just make them smell all pleasant and fruity? Actually, that may be a benefit for us.'

'They _do_ live in the sewers.'

'And there's probably nothing that smells worse than a Cardiff sewer.'

'There's the weevils themselves.'

'Touché, Tosh.'

'Thank you Ianto.'


	12. Wound

A/N: So who's excited about the trailer tomorrow? Sixty seconds of footage from Children of Time! Can't wait! And, as always, thanks for the reviews.

…*…

'_Ianto tried to stop Owen opening the Rift, and actually shot him in the shoulder. Everyone except Owen is finding this very amusing.'- Captain Jack Harkness, The Torchwood Archives. _

.

'Tosh?'

'Yeah?'

'Could you do us a favour and pass me that cotton pad?'

'Sure… There you go, Owen.'

'Ta.'

'Is everything alright?'

'What? Yeah, yeah. Just-ah!- redressing this gunshot wound, checking for any signs of infection, you know the drill.'

'Are you okay then?'

'Me? I'm fine. Think Ianto wounded my pride more than anything else.'

'I still can't believe he actually shot you.'

'Me neither, thought it was an empty threat. Didn't think Teaboy'd have the balls, but what d'y'know, turns out he did… '

'…'

'It's not funny, Tosh! The bloody admin boy shot me!'

'Sorry, Owen. It's just-,'

'Well it's not just anything, alright?...Ah! Shit.'

'Are you sure you should be doing that yourself, Owen?'

'Who else is going to do it? Do any of _you _have a degree in medicine?'

'Well, no, but-,'

'There's your answer then, Tosh. Not like I can just walk into a hospital either-"'Scuse me mate, but my colleague shot me. Couldn't give us a hand re-stitching, only it's a bit awkward fixing your own shoulder." Not gonna happen.'

'You're probably right…'

'I am.'

'So, you need my help with anything else?'

'No… Actually, wait, Tosh, come back! Hold this for me please? I'm trying to do this one-handed and it's a bit tricky without having to keep picking stuff up and swapping round.'

'No problem, Owen.'

'…'

'…'

'So, what were you up to over there?'

'Looking over some recent Rift readings. The Rift has been speaking all over the place ever since you helped Jack and I get back from the 1940's. I've never seen it behave like this before and there doesn't seem to be any record of patterns like I'm getting throughout Torchwoods' history…'

'Nothing we can't handle though right?'

'I'm not sure, Owen. Even Jack seems to be getting worried.'

'Shit. Now there's a signal that we should start panicking, he's usually all swagger about these things… Makes me wonder how he knows it all.'

'Hmmm… He's definitely… I don't know. He said some strange things when we were stuck in the blitz… Unbelievable things.'

'Like what?'

'I- It's not my place to say.'

'Aw, c'mon, Tosh. Me and you've been trying to dig up information about him and his past for ages.'

'I know, but what he said… There's a reason why we can't find out this stuff about him. He's kept it hidden… And well since even _I _can't find anything- and I'm supposed to be good with this computer stuff.'

'Great, now I want to know even more. Not that I care of anything- just curious. I mean, Jack Harkness- that's not even his real name is it.'

'No.'

'…'

'…'

'Ah, ow!Nearly done here, Tosh. Pass me that dish?'


	13. Divided

A/N: Well, the Children of Earth trailer was amazing- I'm now even more excited! Just wish they'd give us an air date… Thanks for the reviews, this chapter completes the notes on series one!

…*…

'_The entire team turned on me… But we've come closer as a result. Hopefully we'll never be divided like this again.'- Captain Jack Harkness, The Torchwood Archives._

.

'No, Gwen.'

'Owen.'

'I said, _no_, Gwen. We're doing what I say.'

'And why should we do that?'

'Because I'm bloody second-in-command.'

'Is that title even official, Owen? After Suzie died, I didn't see anyone expressly pronounce you as the new second-in-command.'

'Well Jack sure as hell didn't bestow that title upon you, you're just the newbie.'

'So we're going off experience now, is it? In that case, shouldn't Tosh be second-in-command? She has been here longest, after all.'

'Tosh wouldn't want to be the leader, making all the decisions like this. Isn't that right, Tosh?'

'No, don't protest, Tosh! You're just letting him get his own way!'

'Hypocrite! You're only saying that because you want _your _own way.'

'Fine, we can be democratic. We'll have a vote.'

'No, you'll all just vote against me and what I want.'

'Well if that's what the majority wants, Owen…'

'Fuck it. _I'm_ second-in-command, even if Jack never told you. He doesn't have to tell you everything y'know, Gwen. Besides, since Tosh doesn't want it, I'm the logical second choice.'

'What about Ianto?'

'Ha! Coffeeboy? Can't believe you even suggested that.'

'So, alright, maybe you are the most logical choice. But Jack's only been gone two days, he might walk back in any minute now.'

'He's gone, Gwen, without a word, nothing to any of us about what he's doing. And why should he tell us? Maybe he just abandoned us because we bloody mutinied against him!'

'I'm sorry, but who led the mutiny?'

'Ah, but the lady did not protest, did she?'

'This is stupid.'

'You're stupid.'

'That was just immature.'

'…'

'…'

'What were we arguing about anyway?'

'Who's in charge whilst Jack's gone.'

'What makes you so sure he's coming back?'

'I just- Oh, I don't know. I believe that he'll be back at some point. It's only been a few days. Why're you so certain that he's abandoned us for good?'

'Someone has to be the cynic here. Be realistic.'

'Fine, believe what you want, Owen.'

'I intend to.'

'Good.'

'…'

'…'

'…'

'I've decided something.'

'What?'

'You're right, maybe you should be in charge around here. I'm not sure I can be arsed with all the extra work anyway.'

'I-,'

'No, I'm not done. As the _real _second-in-command, I will hand control over to you, if you let me make this one final decision.'

'… Fine. Just this one, since I can't be bothered arguing with you anymore. But after that, I make the decisions… Actually, I think we'll vote on stuff like this. Only seems fair.'

'Fair, shmair, I'm making this last choice. And you can't change it after I've decided just because you're then in charge!'

'Alright, Owen, just tell me what you want.'

'As my final decision making act as second-in-command of Torchwood Three, a decision which no one may later change, I want… Chinese. We had pizza for lunch yesterday.'


	14. Pockets

A/N: Thanks again for those who took the time to review! Here begins the notes on series two…

…*…

'_Must remind Owen to check the pockets of any bodies we bring inside, in future.'- Captain Jack Harkness, The Torchwood Archives. _

.

'Are you kidding me, Jack?'

'No, Owen. I'm completely serious, no joke.'

'Sure sounded like one when you just asked me to check the weevil's _pockets_.'

'We need to be sure and if we didn't learn anything from any of the stunts that John pulled on us, then we're wasting our time here.'

'I am not sticking my hands in its pockets.'

'It's heavily sedated, it's not gonna bite you.'

'That's not what I'm worried about. Its pockets are probably full of… well, _shit_.'

'You're a doctor, Owen. Pull on some rubber gloves and get on with it.'

'You do it.'

'Heh, no way. Besides, I'm ordering you to do it.'

'I'd much rather rummage around the carcass of that dead weevil we've had on ice for a few days.'

'I don't want you to do that. No, scratch that last thought, I do. But not now. _Now_ I want you to check that weevil's pocket's for anything unusual.'

'I hadn't even realised that they had pockets on those things before.'

'And maybe that was a mistake, who knows what we've had in here, unawares.'

'Pockets full of shit and a nice headless rat they were keeping for an after-human snack?'

'Lovely imagery, Owen.'

'I try.'

'…'

'…'

'Get on with it!'

'Make Ianto do it!'

'Owen, I am asking you to do it. Nicely.'

'No, you're not. You haven't said please once.'

'… Alright.'

'Well?'

'…Please could you go through the weevil's pockets?... Please.'

'There, that wasn't so hard now was it?'

'I am going to throttle you in a second you smug cockney.'

'You know what, maybe I won't do it then.'

'I said please! I _never _say please!'

'That's very true. Maybe it's time you learnt.'

'Argh, Owen! You're really pushing all my buttons here. You could have had the job done by now.'

'This, is also true.'

'Get on with it then!'

'…'

'_Before_ the sedative wears off, Owen.'

'…'

'Sometime this year would also be good.'

'Why? 'S'not like you're going anywhere. All the time in the world you.'

'_Owen…_'

'Alright, fine, I'm doing it now, so impatient…'

'Hark who's talking.'

'I'll have you know I can be very patient.'

'Oh?'

'I just choose not to be.'

'…'

'…'

'Anything in its pocket for me then?'

'If it was conscious, and knowing you and all your charms, I'm sure there would be. Even if it is a weevil. Actually, I'm not sure if it's male or fema-,'

'Aside from that twisted compliment- thanks very much, by the way- do you have an actual answer to the question?'

'… Uh… Lemme see… Yep, definitely something in here, hang on…'

'…'

'Eurgh!'

'What is it? Owen!'

'Something… It's… A rat. Hey, I was right.'

'Who'd'a thunk it?'

'And it's not dead.'

'Get it out of here!'


	15. Sticky

A/N: Thanks for reviews. Today's chapter inspired by notes for episode 'Sleeper.'

…*…

'_I'm in trouble with Ianto for duct-taping a CB aerial to the SUV. Apparently the tape made the wing mirror "disconcertingly sticky".'- Captain Jack Harkness, The Torchwood Archives. _

.

'Jack?'

'Ah-uh, I mean, Ianto, thought I saw you coming.'

'Yes, and I thought I saw you try and hide.'

'… You caught me.'

'I think you know why I'm here, Jack.'

'I can guess.'

'Guess away.'

'Would it be anything to do with my devilishly handsome good looks by any chance?'

'Ha, no.'

'You said I was dashing earlier!'

'I did. But earlier, the world was coming to an end and I wasn't mad at you.'

'So, I save the world- again- and you're mad at me? How does that work, Ianto?'

'Don't try and guilt trip me, Jack. It won't work and you know it.'

'Y'know, I liked it when you just did as I asked, didn't question my authority.'

'I'm not questioning your authority, Jack. And you haven't asked me to do anything just now… No, you did ask me to do one thing.'

'To remove the aerial from the SUV.'

'Yeah, that. As you can see, I did that. With some difficulty.'

'But it came off just fine in the end. I know you like the car, Ianto and it's not like the aerial did any permanent damage.'

'How do you know that?'

'… I thought I did.'

'Exactly.'

'…'

'…'

'What is it then? I can see you're dying to tell me.'

'Let's start from the beginning then, shall we Jack?'

'Go on.'

'What is… _this_?'

'That would be duct-tape. Here I was thinking you were a smart guy, Ianto.'

'I know what it is, Jack- I'd hate for my intelligence levels to disappoint.'

'Right, so?'

'Perhaps you'd like to tell what happens when duct-tape is used to attach a make-shift radio aerial to the wing mirror of an expensive black SUV?'

'I think it means that I can then call through to this old radio in the Hub and communicate with my team as we work to save Cardiff from becoming a glass desert in the aftermath of a huge nuclear explosion.'

'Yeah, yeah, but after that, Jack? What happens when you stroll in all gung-ho covered in blood and say "Hey, Ianto, be a doll and get that aerial off the SUV would ya?"'

'…'

'…'

'First of all, that impression; not your best. And I certainly did not use those words.'

'Sure, but you get the picture. Oh- and if you ever _do_ call me doll, I _will_ have to hit you.'

'Understood. So I asked you to get the aerial off the wing mirror and clearly, you have. I still don't see your issue.'

'This brings me back to my original question- what happens when duct-tape is used to attach a make-shift radio aerial to an expensive black SUV?'

'… And?'

'The answer is that firstly, it is nearly impossible to remove, but I managed it eventually. Secondly, the duct-tape leaves behind a horrible mess. The wing mirror is now disconcertingly sticky. And guess who has to clean it up?'

'It is your job, Ianto.'

'And I prefer it when dashing captains don't exacerbate the clean-up situations I already have to deal with.'

'So I'm dashing again now am I?'

'You were right up until the point where I discovered what you had done to the car.'

'Come off it, Ianto, it's no big deal, nothing a bit of soap and warm water won't get off, right?'

'You'll have to wait and see.'

'If it's really going to bother you that much, just stick it back on! Might be useful if the communication lines are ever down again.'

'Right, as if the SUV didn't scream the words "secret organization!" enough already, you actually want to complete the stereotype of a mysterious vehicle with suspicious aerials attached to it sitting out in the dark.'

'… You watch too much TV.'

'…'

'…'

'Here's your aerial, sir.'

'Wait, sir? Ianto, I thought we were past that!'

'I'll think about it, sir, when I'm cleaning up the mess you made.'


	16. Anniversary

A/N: Thanks again to those who've reviewed/ favourited/ put this collection on alert! Feedback is always great.

...*...

'_It was that time of year again, to defrost Tommy Brockless and make sure all his bits and pieces still worked.'- Captain Jack Harkness, The Torchwood Archives. _

.

'Toshiko.'

'Oh, hi, Jack. I'm almost done running those Rift fluctuation patterns through the-,'

'That's very good, Tosh. Brilliant, in fact. But not why I came over here.'

'… Then what did you want with me?'

'I came to ask you if you know what day it is tomorrow.'

'Of course I do, Jack.'

'And that is?'

'Friday.'

'Yes, but what else?'

'Well, it's Friday the twentieth.'

'Very good to see that you're keeping track of time-,'

'It says Thursday nineteenth at the bottom corner of my screen. My maths expertise helped me calculate the rest.'

'Heh, very good, Tosh. Though I am slightly worried that you haven't realised what else tomorrow is.'

'I'm just messing with you, Jack. How could I forget what tomorrow is? Highlight of my year.'

'And you still haven't said what that is.'

'Time to wake Tommy up again.'

'Gotta say, bit of a relief to hear you actually say those words, was starting to get worried you'd forgotten for a second there you've kept so quite on the matter. I've already had an earful on Gwen's wedding and that's not for months yet.'

'Yes, I think we've all had the colour scheme conversation with her.'

'I just wonder why she thought we'd be the best people to ask about that.'

'She was getting a bit desperate I suppose… I am… well, excited about seeing Tommy again tomorrow, by the way. I just-,'

'You're not Gwen. You're Tosh- wouldn't have you any other way.'

'Yeah…'

'…'

'… I've just realised something.'

'What's that, Tosh?'

'I met Tommy on my second day working here for you, which means…'

'Today is the fourth anniversary of you working here. Wow, doesn't time fly when you're having fun?'

'If you could call it that.'

'Hey, c'mon, I know there've been some- okay, more than some- bad times, but we've had fun, haven't we? Don't turn all cynical on me Tosh. I get enough of that from Owen.'

'What? Hmm, yeah, I guess…'

'Cheer up, Tosh. Remember the toaster incident?'

'That wasn't funny!'

'For you maybe. The rest of us thought that it was hilarious.'

'Okay, so maybe it was a little bit funny… But it wasn't at the time! I could've been seriously hurt, Jack!'

'Come off it, you're fine. Four years. You, Toshiko, are my longest-employed staff member… should I have got you a present for today or something? Would a normal boss do that?'

'I doubt it, Jack. Most bosses wouldn't realise how long they've employed members of their staff.'

'Maybe… You've got that day off on Tommy duty tomorrow though, consider that my thanks for four years hard work.'

'Thanks, Jack.'

'Ooh, and I'll get Ianto to make you a celebratory coffee. He's got all these fancy extra bits that he never gives us… Bought them on our expenses mind.'

'That sounds nice… I better get on with this, the programs almost finished.'

'Right, get the results on my desk as soon as you can.'

'I will.'

'And I'll see about getting you that coffee… Ianto! IANTO!'


	17. Clown

A/N: Thanks for the reviews, hope you enjoy this chapter- I just gave myself a lovely paper-cut getting my notes for it!

…*…

'_For future reference- do not sneak up on Tosh wearing a clown mask, for a laugh. She does NOT find this amusing.'- Captain Jack Harkness, The Torchwood Archives._

.

'I'm a bit busy, what do you- Ah, shit!'

'Woah, Tosh, calm down.'

'Jack? What the hell are you doing?'

'I just wanted to make you jump. Didn't expect you to pull a gun on me! Which, by the way, you can put down now.'

'Oh, right, sorry… Where did you get a clown mask?'

'Ianto found it in the Archives. I thought it'd be fun to play around with.'

'Okay. Are you sure it's not, I don't know, possessed by some king of alien mentality or anything dangerous. I mean, why else would it be in the Archives if it's not alien?'

'Nah, what kind of idiot do you take me for, Tosh? I've scanned it and it's completely safe, completely human.'

'Then why do we have it in the Archives?'

'Haven't a clue, unless Ianto's been practising for some sort of clown show… Now there's an interesting idea…'

'I don't think I want to know.'

'Ha, you're just not creative enough.'

'Yup, I definitely don't want to know. Especially if it involves that clown mask, or any clowns… Can you at least take it off, Jack?'

'Missing the view of this fantastic jaw line?... Ah, I can breathe properly again.'

'That's better, that thing was really starting to freak me out.'

'Scared of clowns, Tosh?'

'They are honestly some of the most sinister looking things I have ever seen, and I've seen some stuff.'

'Mhmm.'

'I really can't understand how anybody finds them amusing.'

'Well, they're not really. Except for this one clown I met once, everything he said was like the punch line of some brilliant joke, very funny, more of a face-painted comedian really, oh and the things he could do with balloon animals-,'

'Stop there please, Jack. I'm beginning to wonder if you have a strange clown fetish.'

'Am I not allowed to express appreciation for anything without someone claiming I have a fetish? First it was Ianto with the offices, now you with clowns…'

'I'm not even going to- Can you put the mask away somewhere please, Jack? I know it only has eyeholes, but I feel like it's watching me and I can't concentrate.'

'After all the things we see day-in, day-out and the great Toshiko Sato is spooked by a plastic clown mask?'

'Like I said, they're sinister. Think it's a childhood phobia really.'

'Why, a clown try to kill you when you were a kid?'

'No, I think he just popped a balloon animal or something and it was… I thought it was scary.'

'Oh yeah, it's always horrible when someone murders an animal made of inflatable plastic.'

'I was four, Jack!'

'Right, yeah. I won't tell anyone about your clown thing if you don't tell anyone how much I hate those spidery-mouse things.'

'I haven't told anyone so far.'

'Good. Can't have the aliens finding out that Captain Jack Harkness gets freaked out by aliens that are smaller than his own foot.'

'Why do you hate them?'

'They've got too many legs! And they scuttle and they come near you and… Bleh. If you've ever woken up with one of your chest you'd understand.'

'I think I'd rather that didn't happen.'

'Me too.'

'…'

'I'll just go put this away then… Or maybe I'll jump Owen with it on, scare him a bit.'

'Yes, but unlike me, he might _actually _shoot you if you appear out of nowhere with a clown face.'

'Good point… I'll just have to get him when he's not carrying a gun… As you were, Tosh!'

'Bye Jack.'


	18. Flowers

A/N: Thanks for the reviews, enjoy the ficlet for 'Adam'.

…*…

'_Someone sent Toshiko a huge bunch of flowers… I never get flowers. I'm considering sending myself some and pretending I don't know who they're from.'- Captain Jack Harkness, The Torchwood Archives._

.

'Morning, Tosh.'

'Oh, hi, Gwen. You're early this morning.'

'Yeah, Rhys had to get up early to go to some sort of haulage mangers conference near London. His alarm woke me up and I thought I might as well come in. Still trying to figure out why we lost those two days, thought I'd go over the evidence we do have again.'

'I've tried the CCTV a number of times and all of the other files and systems. Nothing. Whoever did this- and it might even have been me- really didn't want us to find out what happened.'

'I know, and it worries me. All we have to go on is the name Adam and some flowers supposedly sent to you by Owen.'

'And that weird alien box of sand Jack found on his desk.'

'Speaking of which, are those _flowers _on Jack's desk?'

'I hadn't noticed. That's odd.'

'Have you seen Jack this morning, Tosh?'

'Uh… Yeah, for a few minutes. He had Ianto make him some coffee, then went to his office. Ianto's in the Archives somewhere.'

'Oh, I see Jack now. Behind the flowers. Pretty big bouquet that. Are those roses?'

'Looks like it. And some lilies, interesting combination.'

'Love and death.'

'That's a bit depressing, Gwen.'

'Who d'you think sent them to him?'

'Assuming that they are for him, that is.'

'Aw, c'mon Tosh, it's more fun this way!'

'You're right. Jack's got a lot of admirers though.'

'And a lot of enemies.'

'Also true.'

'…'

'…'

'No! I just had a thought. You don't think-Ianto..?'

'Whatever they have doesn't strike me as the hearts-and-flowers relationship, Gwen.'

'We would've said that about Owen before he left those flowers on your desk.'

'Which he claims not to have done. Maybe someone keeps breaking into the Hub and leaving flowers with notes on our desks.'

'Are you thinking some sort of alien Cupid, Tosh?'

'Call me crazy, but anything's possible in this place.'

'Hmm, yeah. Wonder if Ianto knows Jack has been sent flowers by someone? A secret admirer maybe.'

'He probably collected the order at the Tourist Office door, Gwen. That _is_ where our post comes through after all.'

'I'm going to ask him.'

'Who, Ianto?'

'No, Jack. Look at him, hiding away behind the flowers like that. Bet he's got a smug grin on his face and all. He _wants_ us to ask him.'

'You do that then, Gwen. I'm going to stay here and keep running these Rift trajectory patterns… Tell me what he says though!'

'…'

'…'

'…'

'…'

'Jack?'

'Gwen, good morning.'

'Just wanted to ask you, quick question…'

'Yeah?'

'You know what I'm going to say, don't you, Jack, that grin of yours is threatening to split your face in two.'

'Always knew I could rely on your curiosity PC Cooper.'

'So?'

'So what?'

'The flowers, Jack?'

'A gift.'

'From?'

'Wouldn't you like to know.'

'That is why I'm asking.'

'Guess.'

'I'd rather not.'

'Then I'm not telling.'

'…'

'…'

'Fine then.'

'You're not going to guess?'

'I'd only embarrass myself, or someone in a roundabout way. You probably sent them to yourself anyway.'

'Yep.'

'I'm sorry, what?'

'I said yep.'

'_You_ sent them _to yourself_?'

'I'm not done with them.'

'You're going to send _more_ flowers to yourself?'

'No, Gwen, I'm not done with this bunch. I'm forwarding them to a good friend of mine in lieu of a favour.'

'Who?'

'Maybe you'll find out.'

'Are you aware that it is possible to speak in a manner that isn't a riddle?'

'Maybe I am, maybe I'm not.'

'You're impossible.'

'Maybe I a- No wait, you're right on that one, no riddle about it. I am impossible.'


	19. Mr Big

A/N: Thanks for reviews. For this chapter, I'd like to emphasise that I don't own the TV shows 'Sex and the City' (and have never watched it either, so sorry for any mistakes) or 'Friends'. Enjoy!

…*…

'_Must speak to Ianto about using names from "Sex and the City" on fake IDs. Last week he sent me into an alien smuggling operation as 'Mr Big', without telling me.'- Captain Jack Harkness, The Torchwood Archives._

.

'Ianto, one thing before you go.'

'Jack?'

'Martha's cover name; Samantha Jones.'

'What's the problem with that? Plenty of us Joneses around, she'll be fine.'

'No, that bit's fine, I've just started to notice a pattern to the names you create for cover purposes.'

'What's that then?'

'You know what I mean, Ianto, _Samantha Jones_…'

'Uh, nope, not ringing a bell.'

'How about the name Carrie Bradshaw?'

'That is… Sex and the City? An American sitcom set in New York, popular with middle-aged women?'

'That's the one.'

'And Samantha Jones is one of the characters in it, I'm guessing.'

'Yeah.'

'Wow, Jack. I'm impressed with your knowledge of a program that was still on-air this century.'

'Hey, I happen to know plenty about twenty-first century pop culture. I just don't have a lot of time for it.'

'So, if I were to say to you… Ross and Rachel?'

'Then I'd say "we were on a break". And, to be fair to Ross, I think they were. Don't know why it matters, Rachel was maybe being a bit over-sensitive, should've just used the opportunity to get the other girl to join in. Of course, when they have the reunion of the show in 2014, they-,'

'There's a reunion?'

'Oh yeah, record audiences. And I'm not saying anything else, you'll just have to wait.'

'Fair enough. Guess you are aware of twenty-first century TV listings then.'

'Some of the shows have a big impact, even thousands of years from now… Just please don't mention Trinny and Susannah.'

'Right…'

'Which brings me back to my previous point. Sort of. Sex and the City names are a popular choice with you.'

'Jack, I basically just admitted to having never watched the show. Not really my kind of thing… So you're going to have to tell me what other names I've used recently that were the same as characters on the show.'

'Mr Big.'

'I'm sorry?'

'The other day, you sent me into that alien raid with the name Mr Big. Was the nickname of an on-going character in the show.'

'Oh, well if you'd been paying attention you would have noticed that I gave Owen the name of Mr Small.'

'Bit risky that.'

'Just trying to wind Owen up.'

'I'd rather you didn't.'

'It's fun.'

'I- No, you're right. Owen baiting can be fun, especially when he fights back.'

'Yup.'

'So what's the real reason you called me Mr Big then? If not because you're a closet Sex and the City fan?'

'What do you think, Jack?'

'I think it's a reference to my-,'

'Your head, Jack. No! Not like that, your ego. Big _ego_.'

'Is that it? So with Owen's name you were implying that _Owen_ had a _small _ego?'

'No. Knew he'd read into the names the same way you just did, get annoyed at the implications.'

'Huh.'

'I better get going to help Tosh sort the computers ready to start receiving from Martha at the Pharm.'

'Right, yeah. So, no more TV names on cover? Little bit memorable, gotta stay safe.'

'And I was already planning on calling you Chandler Bing for the next one…'

'Chandler? No, I'd rather be Joey… How you doin'?'


	20. Handcuffs

A/N: Good response for last chapter, so thanks! I'm glad most people seem to have picked up on the little references. Dead Man Walking today- not many more chapters left!

…*…

'_In big trouble with Ianto for risking everything to go and get the second glove. I should have told him before I went, but he'd probably have cuffed me to the chair to stop me. And I've fallen for that one way too many times.'- Captain Jack Harkness, The Torchwood Archives._

.

'Jack?'

'Gwen!'

'Sorry, were you asleep, did I wake you up?'

'No. Yes. Doesn't matter, that's the longest I've slept in a week, it'll do me for a few days at least.'

'And you slept at you desk why?'

'I got bored.'

'You could've moved.'

'Believe me, Gwen, I tried.'

'Ah, I see… And did you handcuff yourself to the chair?'

'Why would I do that?'

'I dunno why you do a lot of things you do, Jack, so I'm hardly qualified to answer that question.'

'Eh, fair enough… And just so you know, no, I didn't handcuff myself to the chair. Ianto did.'

'And he just left you there? Weren't you, uh, in the middle of something?'

'I thought we were… He tricked me.'

'…'

'Don't laugh at me! This isn't comfortable!'

'Can't you break them or something?'

'What kind of flimsy handcuffs have you been using? These are the real deal, Gwen, can't be broken or unlocked without a key… Which Ianto has.'

'And where is he?'

'Well, if the closed sign was up on the tourist office door when you came through, he's probably hiding in the Archives… Gotta admit, I'm surprised he hasn't come to free me yet.'

'Why did he leave you here anyway? You said he tricked you, right?'

'Yeah, trying to stop me from leaving, thought I was going to do something stupid.'

'Were you?'

'Having been stuck here thinking about it, yes, Ianto was right, it would've been stupid.'

'What exactly was this stupid thing, Jack?'

'Nothing, doesn't matter. Chuck me my coat would ya? My arms are getting cold, but I can't get them through these shirt sleeves.'

'I wondered why you were only wearing a t-shirt.'

'…'

'… Are those your trousers on the floor?'

'Unlucky for you, I'm still wearing boxers.'

'Riiight, unlucky me.'

'Now, as fun and full of promise as this was, I can no longer feel my ass. Do me a favour and go and find Ianto will ya, Gwen? Send him up here.'

'…'

'What?'

'Nothing, just wondering if I should take a picture for future purposes.'

'Blackmail? Not gonna work on me, Gwen. Unlike the majority of twenty-first century humans, this doesn't embarrass me in the slightest.'

'Nah, I didn't think so… But I thought that Owen might appreciate knowing that Ianto got one up on you.'


	21. Tintin

A/N: Thanks a lot for reviews. Today's ficlet is set just before series 2, just to help you place what's going on.

…*…

'_More worryingly though, [Owen's] Tintin-phobia seems to have taken a turn for the worse.'- Captain Jack Harkness, The Torchwood Archives._

.

'All I'm saying, Owen, is that you could've told me.'

'No, Ianto, I couldn't've. It's not really the sort of the thing you go around telling people… And I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell anybody else.'

'…'

'What, why're you looking at me like that?'

'It, uh, may be too late for me to be keeping this a secret.'

'Ianto!'

'I had to tell Gwen why exactly we failed to catch the blowfish.'

'Could you not have thought of a better reason?'

'And pass up on the chance to humiliate you?'

'Yes!'

'I'm sorry, Owen- well, not really- but if I'd told you in confidence that I had a fear of a fictional character, would you have kept it to yourself.'

'Of course.'

'Ha, liar. You'd be taking the piss out of me quicker than I could say 'Tintin'.'

'… Alright, yeah, no point in denying it. Sounds like the sort of thing you'd be scared of anyway, Teaboy. Harry Potter give you nightmares?'

'No, but you've clearly had some bad experiences with a Belgian boy Detective… Why _are _you scared of Tintin?'

'I'm not_ scared _of him exactly, I just don't bloody like him.'

'You're telling me you're not scared? As soon as you saw him at that fancy dress party you were practically shitting yourself.'

'I thought I saw the blowfish.'

'Now I know you're lying because you're not scared of bipedal aquatic creatures. We've dealt with them before, like Weevils. Sure they make you wary, but you don't whip you gun out that fast on sight, particularly in a crowd of people dressed in fancy dress.'

'I'd rather admit to being frightened of the bloody blowfish than… y'know.'

'Can you even say the name, Owen?'

'Voldemort.'

'… You're so witty tonight, what with all the Harry Potter related cracks.'

'Thanks.'

'…'

'…'

'For a moment, I thought you were actually going to shoot the guy dressed as Tintin. Think he did too, and now I've got to Retcon the entire party.'

'Probably would've had to do that anyway, Ianto, there was a _blowfish_ walking around in a slightly Victorian looking suit.'

'It was a fancy dress party. If you'd been paying attention instead of trying to kill innocent men dressed as comic characters you might have noticed that there were a number of weird costumes around.'

'Yeah, I swear a saw Barney the Dinosaur…'

'Did his child-friendly songs make your heart palpitate in fear?'

'Shut up, Ianto. I don't like Tintin, what of it?'

'It was actually quite a good costume, he even had a Snowy.'

'…'

'Was that a shudder I just saw?'

'Oh fine, for fucks sake, I'm scared of Tintin! And his little dog too!'

'…'

'Happy?'

'More… Satisfied.'

'You know what; I think it's time I shot you since you've already had your go at me, fair's fair and all.'

'You've got crap aim.'

'Says the guy who-,'

'I was aiming for your shoulder!'

'…'

'…'

'…'

'… Computers are picking something new up.'

'Space junk?'

'No… It's the blowfish, he's just nicked a sports car!'

'Ooh, and a nice one at that.'

'No time, he's heading down the Gabalfa flyover.'

'I'll drive, you call Gwen and Tosh, looks like we may need back-up.'


	22. Weddings

A/N: Thanks for reviews- enjoy!

…*…

'_Toshiko caught the bouquet when Gwen threw it. Naturally we will never let her hear the end of this.'- Captain Jack Harkness, The Torchwood Archives._

.

'Mind if I sit here, Owen?'

'No, Tosh, go ahead, why would I mind?'

'No reason. You do look a little lonely though, thought maybe you wanted to be left alone.'

'Nah, I'm alone enough as it is, the dead man in the corner.'

'That's depressing.'

'That's my life; for lack of a better word. Maybe I should coin a phrase for my condition, not that I'd ever be able to tell anyone…'

'I think it's easier to just consider you alive, Owen. You practically are.'

'But I'm not, am I, Tosh? I'm sitting at a wedding, stone-cold sober because I can't drink and I haven't eaten any of those dodgy looking tiny sandwiches because I can't eat…'

'If it's any help, you're not missing out on much, they seem to be dodgy looking for a reason.'

'And I wish I could've found that out myself…'

'…'

'…'

'… I'm trying to avoid Rhys' best man.'

'Oh yeah, him- what's his name? Banana Raft?'

'Banana _Boat_… He seems to think I find him attractive, like we have some kind of special connection from being caught up in that web thing together.'

'What a tool, maybe we shoulda left him to do his time in the prison cells of Lanzarote.'

'Too late for that now.'

'You never know, Tosh, maybe he's been flogging dodgy CDs around back alley Cardiff. Could get him fixed up for that.'

'Nice idea, I'll have to keep an eye out for him on the CCTV at the Hub.

'…'

'…'

'So, you gonna carry that bouquet around everywhere you go?'

'Well, it's a nice bunch and I want to take them home, but there's nowhere to put them round here.'

'Fair cop. Can't you taken them back to your car?'

'I would, but the car park is about half a mile away. Honestly, it's a beautiful location, but not the most practical.'

'Think Jack would agree with you there, Tosh, he couldn't understand why people would choose to get married in the middle of nowhere.'

'I do, it's the dream wedding isn't it? Big old building, lots of flowers, parkland for photos… Most girls would love this.'

'What about you, Tosh?'

'Me?'

'Yeah, seeing as you caught the bouquet- nice catch, by the way-,'

'Thanks.'

'Yeah, you caught the bouquet, so you're next in line. Would you really like to get married somewhere like this?'

'A part of me would love it… But no, I don't think so. Too many people. I think I'd prefer something small and simple, only close family and friends.'

'Mmm…'

'…'

'…'

'What're you thinking?'

'Just wondering how many more weddings I'm gonna have to go to, in however long I'm around like this.'

'Not many like this, I should think.'

'Where the bride is impregnated by an alien the night before? No, me neither.'

'There aren't that many Torchwood weddings.'

'No… And if I can't eat and I can't drink, least I can do is dance…'

'…'

'… Ready to see that dead man dance, Tosh?'

'…'

'Come on.'


	23. Cinema

'_Have convinced Ianto to take me to a normal cinema, to see an actual movie.'- Captain Jack Harkness, The Torchwood Archives. _

…*…

'Jack, why're we here?'

'Because, Ianto, I said we were going to the cinema.'

'And this is the cinema… I didn't think you meant so soon.'

'It'll be fine, Ianto. Besides, the Hub is literally two minutes away.'

'Very convenient.'

'Very. I've got the Rift monitor connected to my wrist strap, it'll alert us if anything comes through… So, Mr Jones, show me how the twenty-first century cinema system works.'

'When was the last time you went to the cinema, Jack?'

'Sometime in the 1950's I think… No, wait, I did go and see Titanic when it came out. It's still famous where I come from.'

'I always thought it was a bit over-rated but… Uh, what do you want to see?'

'Surprise me.'

'But, Jack, you just told me that you haven't been to the cinema for about a decade. I don't know what kind of film you'll like.'

'Just because I haven't been to the cinema doesn't mean I haven't watched any films. You know I don't sleep much and watching the huge backlog of films on the Internet is a good way to pass some time.'

'That doesn't help.'

'Just pick something _you _want to see, Ianto. I'll watch anything- except sci-fi, unless it's so bad it's funny.'

'If only real life was like that.'

'Heh, no such luck…'

'…'

'… Anything there you like?'

'I'm trying to pick something that will be the least threatening if it comes through the screen.'

'Ianto…'

'I'm kidding, Jack. Although, I'd be interested to see how those CGI fish would survive if they came through…'

'Because they're CGI or because they're fish?'

'Well, both, really.'

'…'

'…'

'… Come on, Ianto, there has to be something there you like!'

'Why so impatient, Jack? No wait, stupid question.'

'Haha, very funny. I've just remembered a particular twenty-fist century cinematic tradition that I want to try out again.'

'… Making out in the back row?'

'I was going to say popcorn, but we can always combine both things together. After all, your idea is better.'

'Salt or sugar?'

'… Is this a test?'

'No; on your popcorn, do you like salt or sugar?'

'Can't we get both?'

'They're not cheap, Jack.'

'And I'm not not hungry. What I mean to say is, hurry up and pick something so we can actually buy this popcorn we're discussing.'

'…'

'…'

'That woman at the ticket desk is giving us funny looks.'

'Really? I thought she was admiring us from afar.'

'Jack, you think everyone's "admiring you from afar".'

'You're one to talk.'

'No.'

'What do you mean, no?'

'I admire you from up close. There's a difference.'

'You're so pedantic sometimes.'

'At least pedantic's better than the word Owen uses.'

'What's that?'

'…Anal.'

'…'

'Shut up, Jack. I still have a stun gun in my pocket.'

'…'

'…'

'…'

'…'

'Have you chosen yet?'

'No.'

'Owen's right, you are anal.'

...*…

A/N: Just want to say, that this idea of this being Jack and Ianto's first time going to the cinema together works for me, because I never quite believed that they got that date Jack asked Ianto on in KKBB, although you do see them get closer through the second series. Some people do seem to think they managed dinner and a movie at least, so thought I'd just explain my decision here. Okay, hope you enjoyed anyway, whatever you think happened behind-the-scenes!

And thanks to those who have reviewed!


	24. Right

'_Gwen would never have found the facility if Ianto hadn't helped her. He was wrong to do that. But, of course, he was actually right in the end.'- Captain Jack Harkness, The Torchwood Archives. _

.

'I've just been to Flat Holm.'

'… Oh?'

'Yes.'

'So that alert was another Rift victim then?'

'…'

'… Jack?'

'Funny thing, Ianto, you'll never guess who I saw when I was there.'

'…'

'… I know you gave Gwen that GPS, Ianto, left it in that package on her desk.'

'I did, Jack.'

'And?'

'And what?'

'Why did you do it?'

'I- I think you know why.'

'I want to hear it from you, want to know why… You were wrong to do it, Ianto, you saw me tell Gwen to leave it and I told you… Yet you still went behind my back.'

'Jack, I-,'

'Don't even start to deny it, Ianto.'

'I'm not trying to, I-,'

'So you know what you did was wrong; a betrayal of my trust?'

'Don't exaggerate, Jack.'

'No, Ianto, I'm not exaggerating. I trusted you with something important to me. I could have asked any one of the others- Owen, Tosh, maybe even Gwen, but I chose you, because I thought you, out of all of them, would understand.'

'… Don't you think she would have found out eventually anyway? You know what Gwen is like. She kept digging even though you told her to stop.'

'So you took it upon yourself to hand her the shovel?'

'I had to, Jack, if you weren't going to… You're just both too stubborn.'

'And now Gwen knows about the facility.'

'And isn't that better? She's going to stop pestering you and find somewhere else to place her focus, somewhere it might actually be needed… You can't protect her forever, Jack.'

'I'm not trying to! I just… No, it's not better because although you remembered Gwen's stubbornness, you forgot about another important part of her personality…'

'… What's that?'

'The truth, Ianto. Gwen's an ex-cop, she's all about finding the truth, trying to understand-,'

'And? She has, case closed.'

'But it's not is it? That's not how Gwen works, she… She wants to take Nikki Bevan to the island, to see Jonah.'

'Jonah- the man who… screams?'

'Yes. Jonah, the man who looked into the heart of a dark star… It's only been seven months in our time line, but almost forty years have passed for Jonah. You know none of them come back the same, Ianto, and Gwen wants to take his mother to see him.'

'Oh god…'

'Now do you understand?'

'But she can't, it's-,'

'But she will because, oh yeah, Gwen's stubborn. We've talked about this haven't we?'

'Jack-,'

'She's going to tell Nikki that Jonah's still alive and that she can see him. She'll explain what she can about the Rift, but nothing will really prepare her for what she'll see when she gets there, because she's not going to stay safe at home knowing her little boy is out there, no mother would do that, whatever the circumstances…'

'And then what?'

'I don't know, but maybe Gwen will learn something. Maybe _you _will learn something.'

'…'

'…'

'I'm sorry.'

'Sorry? For what- Jonah? Nikki? Ignoring a direct order?'

'That. Yes. All of it, I'm sorry that Gwen's going to act in the way she thinks is right… But I'm not sorry for doing what _I _thought was right, I just wish that maybe I'd found another way.'

'…'

'…'

'… You can be a very difficult man, Ianto Jones. But you know what? You _were _wrong to betray my trust like that… but, in the end, I think you were right. Gwen wouldn't have stopped until she found her answers, whatever I told her…'

'So..?'

'I'm still mad at you. And I can't stop Gwen and I know that's all going to end in tears but… You were right.'

'…'

'Ianto?'

'Yes?'

'Don't do it again.'

…*…

A/N: Hmm, a little different to usual, no comedy here. I enjoyed writing this though and might look into expanding it beyond the dialogue only format- I like a good Jack-Ianto argument, me.

Thanks for the reviews!


	25. Ripples

A/N: Thanks for the reviews. It's another three-person fic today- Jack, Ianto and Owen all crammed in the SUV= fun times! Oh, see if anyone can spot subtly reference to the Torchwood: Pack Animals novel too…

…*…

'_A series of disturbances across the city, all with alien traces, all leading back to this one building in the middle of nowhere.'- Captain Jack Harkness, The Torchwood Archives. _

.

'This had better be good, Jack, I don't like being called out this early in the morning.'

'Why? Not like you can sleep.'

'Shut up, Ianto, I thought you were supposed to be on the dead guy's side here?'

'Too much effort.'

'I'm sorry, am I not worth your time?'

'I-,'

'Stop it, you two, big business going on here, no time… And Ianto, you know if Owen punches you he won't heal.'

'That'll be a lesson learnt then.'

'It's okay, Jack, I stick to kicking these days.'

'That's a relief then, Owen, cos I've seen you kick a ball around and you're _not very good_…'

'Jack, do I have permission to kick Ianto and demonstrate just how good my kicking is when we get there?'

'No, not that you'd usually ask for it… I don't know where _there _is anyway, the energy signatures keep rippling.'

'Rippling? That's a new one.'

'I've got them all up on the map here, Jack, looks like the traces are all rippling back to the same place.'

'Where, Ianto?'

'Some old factory on the outskirts of the city.'

'Great, Nowheresville.'

'What a heart warming description, Owen.'

'…'

'…'

'…'

'Right, Tosh says she'll be ready to leave in five minutes- you need to go right here, Jack.'

'It's any excuse for a hand brake turn with you, Harkness- one day these seatbelts are going to decapitate me and you'll be left with a talking head on your hands.'

'I'd keep you in a jar.'

'Yeah, and you could man the Tourist Office; well, head it, at least. New tourist attraction.'

'Great- come see the dead head freak! Glad to see I'm so highly thought of, Ianto.'

'I thought you were a freak before you were dead, Owen.'

'If I'm a freak then what are you?'

'Uh, I'm sorry, but did you just use a _primary school _comeback?'

'If I just used a primary school comeback, then what did-,'

'Children, cut it out! Honestly… Ianto, what number does Tosh live at again?'

'Twelve.'

'Yeah, with the red door.'

'At least you two agree on something… I hope none of the neighbours are asleep.'

'What, why- Shit! Jack, that horn is bloody louder than a foghorn! It never used to be like that, what've you done to it?'

'Ask Ianto.'

'Didn't have the right materials to fix the brakes, so made the horn louder.'

'Fair enough.'

'And, Jack, it's just past seven… in the morning… On a Saturday. Safe to say you just woke up and severely pissed off pretty much all of Tosh's neighbours.'

'Oops, well, at least she heard we're here… Any luck getting hold of Gwen, Ianto?'

'No… I remember her saying something about going out with Rhys last night to celebrate their three month anniversary. Cause for a hangover.'

'Bollocks, that's not an excuse. I've come in with a hangover loads!'

'We'd noticed, Owen. You're just lucky that I'm such a lovely boss. Ianto, if you still can't get hold of Gwen, send her the co-ordinates when we get there.'

'Right.'

'And, Owen, move over so that Tosh can access the computer, I want her monitoring the Rift patterns we're chasing.'

'And what do I do?'

'For now? Stay quiet.'


	26. Out

A/N: So here's the chapter for Exit Wounds, but it's not the last! No, because there are a few notes at the end of the book titled 'Lost Souls' so I'll be doing a special double whammy chapter to wrap up this little project using quotes from there. And don't worry, no spoilers for the radio show- although I do recommend you listen to it!

As always, thanks for the reviews!

…*…

'_Ianto, I know you're reading this over my shoulder, pretending to fix that damn shelf. So get over here and take me out somewhere.'- Captain Jack Harkness, The Torchwood Archives. _

.

'It took you at least thirty seconds to respond to that last bit, Ianto, can't say I'm not disappointed.'

'Well, I had to at least pretend I was fixing the shelf.'

'When I already knew you weren't?'

'Yeah, I got caught up trying to make a decision- keep pretending like I wasn't reading over your shoulder, or come clean.'

'Kinda messed up either option in the end.'

'I suppose.'

'Have to say, you're usually more subtle when you're reading over my shoulder than that.'

'Clearly not that subtle if you notice me doing it, Jack.'

'Not notice so much, but after I caught you once or twice I just kinda assume now that you're reading what I'm writing… That's why I leave all the little hints in for you, like that last one.'

'Huh, I see… Reading into your last clever little hint then, where d'you want to go?'

'Anywhere. Just out of the Hub, fresh air… I need it, you need it… To get out of here for a bit, and the Rifts quiet so…'

'…'

'…Ianto?'

'Oh, sorry, I was just… thinking.'

'About?'

'Think you know, Jack… Tosh, and Owen.'

'That's exactly why we need out of here, Ianto, to get out and remember the good times, not spend hours staring at the Autopsy bay floor…'

'You, uh, you saw that?'

'Only because I was doing it too…'

'…'

'Jack-,'

'Come on, we'll go for a walk, maybe go to that bar Owen liked- he couldn't drink anything, so I'm guessing he liked staring at the bar maid; incredibly long hair…'

'And here I was thinking you'd ordered _me_ to take _you_ out.'

'I'll let you pay.'

'Why you shouldn't have.'

'I know, too generous, that's me.'

'…'

'My back may be turned, but I know you just rolled your eyes, Ianto.'

'… Sure. You want your coat?'

'You did it again!'

'What?'

'Rolled your eyes! Y'know, one day the wind will change and your face will get stuck like that.'

'But hey, I'll gain a whole new knowledge of ceilings.'

'I-,'

'If you're about to make a comment about your knowledge of ceilings, Jack, I don't want to hear it.'

'Spolisport.'

'Can't let you have too much fun. Now, do you want your coat, or not?'

'Ianto, you know I never leave without it.'

'It's pretty hot outside.'

'I'll survive. Besides, you love the coat, told me so the first time we met.'

'I _do _love the coat, but I always wonder how you wear it whatever the weather.'

'Secret.'

'One of many.'

'Speak for yourself, Mr Jones.'

'Jack, I may have my secrets but I don't think even I could compete with you.'

'…'

'…'

'…'

'…'

'Gwen gone?'

'Went about an hour ago.'

'Good… So walk, bar, maybe a spot of Weevil hunting?'

'Literally or euphemistically?'

'Both.'


	27. Cardiff's Finest & Limerick

A/N: Alas, the final chapter is upon us but it's a double whammy with some PC Andy love! Purely because Andy Davidson is awesome… No spoilers for Lost Souls, so enjoy!

**Disclaimer: **I believe we have Gary Russell to thank for the fantastic quotes I've been using from 'The Torchwood Archives' at the beginning of each chapter, so they belong to him and nothing belongs to me.

…***…**

**1. Cardiff's Finest**

'_There's a few people around Cardiff starting to talk openly about Torchwood… And I gather Gwen keeps getting asked questions by Andy Davidson.'- Captain Jack Harkness, The Torchwood Archives. _

.

'Oh, hi, Andy!'

'Gwen, listen, uh- you're not in a rush are you?'

'I was just heading over to Greggs actually, get some lunch for the three of us.'

'Cool, I'll walk with you.'

'Okay.'

'…'

'…'

'I, uh, I've actually been sent to talk to you, Gwen, all the guys on the force reckon I'm the one who'll get the most information out of you and I- well, I don't want to make you tell me anything, but it's been almost a month and your lot haven't been that forthcoming… I won't tell them anything you don't want me to.'

'Good, because you know I'm not going to tell you anything.'

'People need _some _answers, Gwen. Anything.'

'Those that need to know have been informed and warned to keep their mouths shut-,'

'I-,'

'No, I don't like having to act like this either, but you have to understand, Andy, it's necessary for what we do… It's taken care of and that's about as much as you guys down on the beat at Cardiff Police need to know.'

'And what about the public, Gwen? They should matter as much as any, I dunno, _dignitaries_.'

'It's the usual spiel, Andy, you've heard the news over the past few weeks- terrorist attacks, and some groups have already laid claim to the bombings, and that's better for us- hallucinogens in the water… The more rumours the better really.'

'But none of that's true is it?'

'Very shrewd, PC Davidson.'

'…'

'Look, Andy, you know I can't tell you anything. And even if I could you wouldn't believe me.'

'Try me, Gwen, cos I've seen a lot recently. Remember I helped with those sewer monster things? The whole of Cardiff can't act like they don't remember them… Oh, and that case with Jonah Bevan, I may not know exactly what went on with you and your spookie-dos' there, but… I don't think there's a lot I won't believe anymore, Gwen.'

'I'm sorry, Andy, I really am, but I _can't_.'

'What? Mulder got you signing the Official Secrets Act now, has he?'

'No, Muld- I mean, _Jack _hasn't. It's a trust thing. _Very _need to know basis.'

'Riiiight…'

'… Would you believe me if I said I was doing it to protect you?'

'Are you though? I've been on the beat down Chippie Alley on a Friday night and there's nothing scarier than two drunk women fighting over the last kebab.'

'What I do is a bit different to that, Andy.'

'I can learn, I'm not stupid. I just want to help, Gwen and after… Maybe you need some help.'

'We'll manage.'

'Manage better with me.'

'No, Andy, I'm not telling you.'

'… You told Rhys.'

'That's completely different and you know it. I didn't even want him to know, he found out by himself.'

'Huh… Thinking about it, I could probably just ask Rhys, what with his amazing secret-keeping skills and all that.'

'_Andy…_'

'Right, fine, I won't. I'm only trying to do my job here, Gwen, protect the people of Cardiff. 'S'what I was hired to do.'

'Cardiff's finest.'

'And it seems there's more to Cardiff than I ever imagined…'

'You have no idea.'

'I would if you told me.'

'…'

'…'

'So?'

'The answer's still no, Andy.'

'Well, if I'm not gonna get anything out of you… Any idea where I might find Rhys?'

'Andy!'

'I'm kidding, I'm kidding…'

'Good.'

'Or am I?'

'… _Goodbye_, Andy.'

'Cold shouldering me now, are you? Fair enough, I'm only trying to look out for you.'

'…'

'I'll see you around then, Gwen.'

'Yeah, see ya, Andy.'

…*…

**2. Limerick**

'_There was a young man from Newport,_

_Believed everything he was taught,_

_Till when he met Jack,_

_And got into the sack,_

_But by poor Gwen Cooper was caught.'- Captain Jack Harkness, The Torchwood Archives._

.

'Morning Ianto.'

'Morning Gwen.'

'Any Rift alerts last night?'

'Nope, nothing, its been quiet. Bit unsettling really.'

'Almost like it shut up for us when we went to Switzerland.'

'It's been a week now though…'

'Hang on, why're we complaining?'

'Because, Gwen, having no small things come through means that pretty soon it'll be some sort of big mess of shit.'

'Ah, true…'

'…'

'Jack around?'

'Went on some mad dash up to UNIT HQ, seems to think they've got some tech they shouldn't be playing with.'

'Oh.'

'With his driving, he should be back by lunch.'

'Yeah, we wouldn't really want that mess of shit to come through without him now, would we?'

'And knowing our luck…'

'Ah, don't start, Ianto!'

'I'm only saying that-,'

'Please don't.'

'…'

'… What've you got there?'

'Oh, uh, just something I found when I was tidying Jack's desk.'

'Should you be taking that stuff?'

'Well, if someone had written poetry about you and left it lying around, wouldn't you pick it up?'

'Poetry, really? No ones ever done that for me. Not sure if I'd like Rhys to try either, he's more of an actions-over-words kind of guy…'

'I called it poetry, but it's actually pretty far removed from anything like that.'

'… Can I see it?'

'Why not?'

'…'

'…'

'Well, Ianto, it's an interesting limerick.'

'I'm not certain about some of the syntax myself, interrupts the rhythm of the piece; too many syllables I think.'

'…'

'…'

'Ianto, did you actually just _analyze _a limerick written by _Jack_ about having sex with you?'

'…'

'…'

'… Can't help it, I did English at Uni.'

'That explains a lot.'

'What? What's that supposed to mean?'

'Well… You're very… well-spoken.'

'From the way that was said, I think I'm going to take it with a hint of offense.'

'I didn't mean anything by it, Ianto, I was only _saying_-,'

'I think you've said enough.'

'…'

'…'

'…'

'Can I have my limerick back please?'

'Ianto…'

'Gwen.'

'…'

'… I'm only messing with you, Gwen! Do you know that you're quite gullible?'

'Hey!'

'I was a little bit offended at you implying something about my masculinity though, I had to make you pay… I could've made it last much longer.'

'Sometimes Ianto, you just…'

'Yes?'

'Argh, I dunno, wipe that smug grin off your face!'

'Why should I? _You _paid for it, better get my moneys worth out of it.'

'…'

'…'

'…'

'So, can I have the limerick back now?'

'I don't know if I want to give it to you.'

'I do make your coffee, you know.'

'Ah right, never mess with the man who makes your coffee.'

'Your _excellent _coffee.'

'Yes, that… Huh, I like how Jack's written "Pure genius" underneath his poetic attempt. He sure thinks a lot of himself.'

'Tell me something I don't know.'

…*…

A/N: And that, dear readers, is the end, finito! I'll be sad to see his project go, I've had great fun writing it. Big thanks goes out to those who have reviewed; particularly those who have reviewed every chapter, right from the beginning- I'd name names, but I'm worried about forgetting someone. Anyway, hope you enjoyed these last two chapters and…

FINIS


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